(From the book “A New Self in 90 Days”)

Principles for Improving Relationships

Here are some proven benefits of relationships:

• Longer lifespan: A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships are 50% less likely to die prematurely, also adding three years to life expectancy.
• Helps to deal with stress: In a study of over 100 people, researchers found that people with good relationships successfully completed stressful tasks and experienced a faster recovery.
• Healthier: Research indicates that strong relationships contribute to health at any age.
• Feel richer: A survey by the National Bureau of Economic Research of 5,000 people found that doubling your group of friends has the same effect on your well-being as a 50% increase in income!

First, I want to say something about the objective of my book, “A New Self in 90 Days.” It is to help a believer in Christ to reach their full potential. As I mentioned in the book’s introduction, anyone can use the principles to become a better person and become more successful, but no one can reach their full potential without God’s help. God’s work is a renewal from the inside out, “putting off the old self and putting on the new self” Colossians 3:10. This article is about Human relations, which is the book’s last section. It is about building relationships. So here are some proven ways to build lasting relationships:

I want to mention ten things; eleven are listed in the book, and I only want to refer to the eleventh, “Improving Relationships briefly.” It is on page 351 or day 86: The quote at the top of the page says, “If you enter into a relationship to get what you can from it, you can expect it to fail. If you want a relationship that surpasses the test of time, plan to give what you can to ensure that happens.”

Then, on the first page of that article, I refer to an interview I saw on YouTube with a well-known celebrity who was discussing a failed relationship with another well-known celebrity. He said, “I think it is because I’m a child. I throw fits, gripe, complain, and I’m moody. Everything bad a fellow can do, that’s me.” I can’t think of a better way not to build relationships than that. Here is a person who knows what is wrong but is unwilling to fix it. Here is what the Bible says about that kind of attitude: “Therefore him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is a sin”James 4:17. If building relationships is our goal, we need to do those things that build relationships of which ten are listed below:

Choose your friends wisely.

In general, we become like our ten closest friends

Choose friends who will lift you up, not bring you down.

Here is what the Scripture says, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed” Proverbs 13:20.

Be the real you.

Pretending to be something you are not defeats God’s plans for you.

You are unique for a reason, and God has specific plans for you: God says in His Word, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” Jeremiah 29:11.

Being who you are doesn’t just benefit you but also others. If you worry too much about what other people think of you, you live in their reality, not yours. 

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” Ephesians 2:10.

Practice the Golden Rule.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” Matthew 7:12.

Building lasting relationships is more about the person you are than what you do.

Relationships are built on giving, not getting.

The primary material for building relationships is Love.

According to John’s epistle, love is proof of being a Christian. 1 John 4:20 reads as follows: “If a man says, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?”

Instead of viewing love as something to be exchanged, the Lord’s perspective of love positions love as a selfless act that seeks the well-being and happiness of the other person without expecting anything in return.

The “Agape” love from God has on hang-on conditions.

Be likable.

“A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother” Proverbs 18:24.

Be a person of character.

Always do what you say you will do.

Be trustworthy.

Be honest.

Be dependable.

Be caring.

Remember names.

A person’s name is very important to them. So, calling a person by their name is the first step to building a relationship.

Some ways to help remember names:

Listen carefully when hearing a person’s name and repeat it in your mind.

Make an association with the name: for example, a man I met some 45 years ago named Earnest Lane is still in my memory, although I have not seen him in about that time. He was an Olympic runner and every day he would run up and down the lane that led to his house with earnest.

Write the name down as soon as you have the opportunity.

Create a sentence using the person’s name: Bill Brown worked as a cashier at Kroger. Here is how I created a sentence to remember his name: He handed me my bill when I checked my groceries; I added that he lived in an ugly brown house with dark brown mortar. The more outrageous the better the association.

If you don’t remember the name by the end of the conversation, ask the person to repeat it.

Show gratitude. Improve relationships.

Here are some Bible verses on showing gratitude:

• In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
• “O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: because his mercy endureth forever” Psalms 118:1-18.
• “Be careful about nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7

Here are some ways to show gratitude:

• Say a simple thank you:
• Write a handwritten note: 
• Give a gift:
• Spend time together:
• Showing gratitude not only makes another feel good, but it also brings a measure of happiness to the giver.“It is more blessed to give than to receive” Acts 20:35. So, take the time to show gratitude.

Dealing with compromise and rejection.

• There is a time to compromise and a time to stand firm.
• A classic example concerning compromise was during the Second World War. Adolf Hitler would not allow his military officers to order a retreat, so they were often massacred when they could have retreated and regrouped. Of course that was to the world’s advantage.
• There are trivial matters, and then there are serious matters. Knowing the difference is very important.
• Everyone suffers rejection at one time or another. They also rejected Jesus, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

Dealing with strained relationships and difficult people.

• Strained relationships are not uncommon among married couples.
• Strained relationships also happen in the workplace and even in church.
• How do we deal with strained relationships or difficult people?
• Communicate
• Be objective and determine how you have contributed to the relationship’s failure.
• Consider the other person’s point of view.
• Be courteous and show respect.
• When it becomes evident that there is to be no resolution, there are some things you can do; they are listed at the end of day 88 in the book. 

The art of communication.

Here is what the Bible says about communication:

• “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” Ephesians 4:29.
• “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man” Colossians 4:6.
• Ways to communicate effectively:
• Concentrate on the other person, not yourself.
• Ask leading questions.
• Listen without distraction.
• Add relevant information.
• Look the other person in the eyes.

The Power of Words.

There is an old saying that is untrue:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will not hurt me.” Words do hurt and can cause significant damage.

              Here is What THE Bible says about words:

• “Evil words destroy one’s friends; wise discernment rescues the godly” Proverbs 11:9 1.
• “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” Proverbs 15:4.
• “Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” Proverbs 16:24.
• James 3:1-13 is a classic passage on words: It talks about how a little thing like the rudder of a ship can turn a vast ship compared to a word that can do significant damage, and we know that words can even start a war.
• “But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. 37For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned” Matthew 12:36-37.

Conclusion

I cannot think of a better conclusion for building relationships than is written in the Bible: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you” Philippians 4:8-9.